Insanity
by The Lorelei
Summary: It involves a Purple Cow and Tortall characters. I think I had WAY too much chocolate when I wrote this.


Untitled 

Yayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayayaya--*is hit in the head with a newspaper by a purple cow and falls over* Ow! *leaps to feet and glares at cow* I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD NOT CALL ME ROBERT! *cow disappears* 

*Silence falls* 

Silence: Ow! 

Me: Now. I am going to go to Tortall! Rah! *grabs magical notebook and magical pen* 

-Anything like this is what I'm writing in the notebook, okay? And this doesn't count!- 

-Lorelei is in Tortall.- 

I suddenly appeared in Tortall, with a purple cow standing on the road in front of me. A fanged bunny suddenly appeared on its back. 

"Yay!" the fanged bunny said, and waved a little flag. 

CC suddenly appeared in front of the cow. "YAY! CC TOES!" the bunny shrieked deliriously, and leaped off the back of the cow. CC screamed and ran away, closely followed by the bunny. 

"Hi," the cow said. 

"Hi," I said. "How did you get here?" 

"Bob the Plot Hole let me in." 

"Oh. Well, go away, or I will put a potato chip on your head and I won't give you any of my Three Musketeers! I AM THE QUEEN OF THREE MUSKETEERS!!!!" 

The cow disappeared. 

"Thank you. Now." 

Alanna came riding up the road and dismounted in front of me. "GIVE ME A SHRUBBERY!" she demanded. 

"NO!" I yelled. 

-A sword appears on the ground.- 

A sword appeared on the ground. I grabbed it and started swinging it around wildly, managing to cut off one of Alanna's arms in the process. "I've cut off your arm!" I stated giddily. 

"No you haven't!" Alanna yelled. 

I accidentally decapitated her. "Now I've cut off your head!" 

"No you haven't!" 

The purple cow reappeared, and stitched Alanna's arm and head back on. Alanna got on the purple cow's back and rode off into the sunset. 

"That was very strange," I said to no one in particular. "I think I've been watching too much Monty Python!" 

-George and Neal come walking up the road.- 

George and Neal came walking up the road behind me. Alanna reappeared, wearing nothing but a lime green bikini, and started waving her sword. "Beware! Beware! I will cut off your hair!" she roared. 

Neal leaped into George's arms with a shriek. "SHE'S GONNA EAT ME!!!!!!!" he screamed. 

I was helpless with laughing by now, but Alanna wasn't. "I AM going to eat you if you don't get out of my husband's arms!" she said, glaring at him. 

"Oh. Whoops." Neal climbed down out of George's arms. "I guess our secret's out now." He sighed dramatically. 

"Secret? What secret?" I asked curiously. 

"Neal and I have been having an affair," George explained. 

A question mark appeared over my head. I blinked up at it, then shrugged. 

Alanna growled, and opened her mouth to say something, but then the fanged bunny reappeared, and bit Neal in the...well...in a very sensitive spot. 

Neal shrieked. Alanna doubled over laughing, and the bunny let go, since CC had just appeared behind us, and CC Toes were every killer bunny rabbit's favorite delicacy. It hopped off after her, and she ran off screaming. 

Suddenly, a bathtub appeared in the middle of the road. 

The purple cow reappeared and leaped into it, splashing us all. A table appeared before the bathtub, and Alanna suddenly leaped up onto it and started to sing. 

"Oh yes I am a lady knight, 

Armies they will run from my might! 

My husband's gay, what can I do, 

I know, Neal! I will geld you!" 

"That was strange," I commented. 

Jonathan suddenly appeared, and leaped into the bathtub, landing on top of the purple cow. Alanna leaped in after him, shortly followed by George. The four began squishing soap bubbles on top of each other's heads. I giggled and dumped a bucket of popcorn over George's head, shortly followed by a potato chip on Alanna's. 

"I AM THE QUEEN OF THE THREE MUSKETEERS!" I bellowed. Three Musketeers candy bars started to rain from the sky. I ran around catching them, and then put them all in my magical tree, and guarded them with my magical spork. But then the magical tree turned into an Evil Tree! It tripped me with a root, and hit me in the head with a branch. I shrieked and ripped its leaf off. It screamed, and ran away, taking my Three Musketeers with it. I sat down in the corner and started to cry, but then I had an idea. 

-A fork appeared in the road.- 

A fork (of the eating kind) appeared in the road. I grabbed it and gleefully put it in my hair. "Yay!" I shouted, and skipped around singing Bye Bye Bye. George shot me in the eye with a pea shooter, so I hit him, smooshing soap bubbles into his hair. 

Duke Roger suddenly appeared. Everybody screamed, and he snickered evilly. I threw my spork at him. It hit him in the ear, and he fell over dead. Everybody cheered, and applauded, and cat-called, and booed--wait a second! Booed?! You're not supposed to boo! You're supposed to cheer, and applaud, and cat-call! DIE! 

Everybody obediently died, except the people in the bathtub, because the bathtub was die-proof. I experimentally dyed it white. It turned white. A voice out of nowhere commented, "Wrong kind of die, idiot!" My hair turned blue. "Oooh! Blue hair!" I shouted happily, and took out my fork and painted it pink, then stuck it back into my hair, along with a lime green painted magical spork. 

The Evil Tree came back and hit me in the head with a branch, undying my hair. I got mad and kicked it, and it fell over. A dryad came out and told me I had killed her, and hit me in the head, and then disappeared. I stuck out my tongue at her retreating back. 

CC and Shiara appeared, CC still being pursued by the fanged bunny. After the two got out of sight, Shiara turned to me and said, "SLUMBER PARTY!!!" Confetti appeared in the air, and sleeping bags appeared in the center of the road. Alanna and George hopped into one and--WAIT A SECOND!! You can't do that in my story! That's against the rules! I'm keeping this no higher than a PG! 

Alanna and George sighed, put their clothes back on, and hopped out of the sleeping bag. I stuck my tongue out at him, and Ducky imitated a blender. Ducky? Where'd he come from? A voice from nowhere said, "He came from Bob the Plot Hole! This is MY cliche, now!" I shrieked and fell over, for no apparent reason. 

A flying key appeared, being chased by Harry Potter on a broomstick. "Hey!" I yelled at him. "Wrong story, idiot! This is a Tortall story!" He looked sheepish, and tried to fly back out, but smashed against the side of the dead Evil Tree and fell over. 

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(A/N: Okay, I suddenly ran out of ideas there. Sorry! Maybe I'll write more someday. It was strange. Hopefully it was funny. Purple Cows Rule, But Chipmunks Are Better! Mwahaha! I am the Second Chipmunk!) 

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Disclaimer: Everything in this story belongs to Tamora Pierce, except for the things I'm about to say, which don't belong to Tamora Pierce because I'm saying what else they belong to so SHUT UP! Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. The Purple Cow belongs to meeee, because Purple Cows Rule (though Chipmunks Are Better). Silence belongs to me, just because she does, and my magical notebook and pen belong to me too. The fanged bunny belongs to Monty Python, as do the little flags, the shrubbery, and the thing about cutting off arms and heads and other body parts. The fanged bunny also semi-belongs to CC, and CC and her CC Toes belong to herself. Bob the Plot Hole belongs to me (yay, Plot Holes With Names Are Almost As Cool As Purple Cows), and Three Musketeers belong to whoever Three Musketeers belong to. By the way, I am the Epitome of Insanity. Mwahaha! Anyways. Alanna's lime green bikini belongs to her. The die-proof bathtub and the table belong to ME! MWAHAHAHAHA! IT'S MINE, MINE, ALLLLL MINE! Alanna's song belongs to herself. The soap bubbles, the popcorn, and the potato chip alll belong to me, though actually the potato chip belongs to Ruffles because Ruffles Are the Best Potato Chips! The Evil Tree and its dryad belongs to itself, and my magical spork belongs to ME! ME! MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME so DON'T TAKE IT PEOPLE! *huffs* The fork belongs to me. Bye Bye Bye belongs to N*Sync. George's pea shooter belongs to him. Lessee, what else can I find to claim/disclaim in here...The voice out of nowhere belongs to...um...me. Voice out of Nowhere: I do not! Me: Yes you do! VOON: Do not! Me: Do too! VOON: Do not to infinity! Me: Do too to infinity squared! VOON: Do not to infinity cubed! Me: Do not! VOON: Do too! I mean...*CENSORED*! Me: Hahahahahahaha! Anyways....Shiara belongs to herself, and I guess the confetti and sleeping bags do too. Ducky belongs to my mom. The blender belongs to Stingy, though he stole it from Gift, after having gotten thieving hints from Maple. Whee! Oh yeah, the flying key belongs to J.K. Rowling too. And we chipmunks belong to ourselves. Yay! Finally! I'm done! That's the longest disclaimer I've ever written! 

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If you actually stayed with me throughout that pointless insanity, and if you actually bothered to READ that huge disclaimer...tankees! Tankees vedy much! Mwahaha. Anyways. REEEEEEVIEW! The button's there for a reason! 

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A/N: Okay, that was totally...strange. But Purple Cows And Chipmunks Rule! So do plot holes, but Purple Cows and Chipmunks are better. And I don't really think George and Neal are gay, by the way. Oh yeah, and CC and Shiara are my two insane friends, if you happened to be wondering. Well. Anyways. What was I saying? *wanders off into the distance, looking confused* 

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